Dating equals porking.....or does it?

I have found that the more I do the "serial dating" thing, the more I wonder, "Am I happy with this?" Well, it is definitely fun. Meeting new people and not having to be burdened by the "Where are you? Who are you with?" crap that some girlfriends do is a relief. However, I have admitted to some close friends that I am finding myself wanting ONE woman to devote ALL of my attention to. Yup, that's right. ONE WOMAN!!

Here is a little insight into the male psyche. Most men, not all, are horny motherfucking assholes. It comes from having a penis and testicles. Ejaculating is a bodily function no different than urinating. I am not lecturing here, but it is a fact that men have a buildup of fluid that MUST be released; whether by masturbating (with or without the help of porn, which some girls are threatened by, but is only the means to an end), or finding someone who will "help them out". Unfortunately, it is how men are hardwired, both mentally and physically. I know plenty of women who masturbate on a daily basis, but the drive is COMPLETELY different from that of a man. I'm not a woman, so I won't get into it, but I will say that the only purpose of ejaculation is to produce sperm or seed or jizz....whatever you want to call it. Men are obsessed with it because it is the life force. It is the flame for procreation.

I don't go out on dates thinking, "When do we get to fuck?" I go out to see if the chick is cool and if it leads to sex, then cool. I also admit that obviously I only ask out girls that I am attracted to, so yeah I think about banging them, but it isn't the first thing on my mind. You've seen my profile, I am in my early thirties and something changes in a man when he reaches these different decades of life. The twenties are the "let's fuck" years, the thirties are the "I'd like to find someone special" years, and forties are "oh fuck, I'm an old bastard" years. I had to throw that in, sorry.

I am dating a lot of women right now for a couple of reasons:

1. I need to relax and have fun for once. Just go with the flow and don't commit too quickly.
2. Dating more women will present more opportunities to find that special someone.
3. I like meeting all kinds of girls with this new method of dating and asking girls out. IT'S FUN & HEALTHY!
4. I'm a horndog. It's true.
5. This will come off bad, but I can't get serious unless I know what a girl is like in bed.

Let me expand on that last one. There are those guys and girls out there who want their first time to be on their wedding night. I'm not like that. I enjoy learning all about their sexuality while I am learning about their emotions and mind. It really is a whole package (for me anyways). With that said, I will point back to my previous post, The Thumb-Sucking Nympho. Even though she is great sexually, the girl is a mess emotionally and mentally. So I can't carry on a relationship with that. If I am really into a girl's mind and emotions, but the sex is so-so, I'd give it a serious chance. I'd communicate about what we can work on and I would listen to what she needs too. This comes from experience and my age as well. I have fucked up my share of relationships by not communicating or listening. We all have. Learning through mistakes is a part of life.

So what is this rant all about? Well, I just wanted to clear the air about what my motives are. Of course I want to find the one. Who doesn't? I don't want to be in my fifties and playing the field. (That reminds me of a part in the Wedding Singer) I am also in the moving process, so geographically, it would be difficult to commit to someone at this point. Once settled, I welcome a girlfriend who I can give all my attention to, but for now I am dating to see what I really am looking for in a woman. I have an idea, but does that exist? I'll hopefully find out.....sooner than later.

This also could be a case of "the grass is always greener", but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

I'm leaving out the "sign off" for now until something good comes along. No need to embarrass myself.

The Thumb-Sucking Nympho

This girl is probably the most sexual woman I have ever met. The way we met was probably a first for me as well. Just walking down the street and we started talking. (I'll get into that in a later post about meeting girls)

So we set up a date and end up so we're sitting down in a secluded place with my arm around her. By the way, from the beginning of the date, her hands were all over me. So, my arm's around her and she takes my hand and asks, "Can I suck your thumb?" DAMN! Nobody has ever asked me that. So I said, "Sure!" And she proceeds to give my thumb an amazing blowjob!!! I mean this was HOT! Then we start making out for a while and eventually I start rubbing her chest a little, noticing that she's moaning a lot. So I look down and SHE'S MASTURBATING!!! Oh, did I mention this is the first date!!!

After a while, we end up in the car to take her home. I continue to rub her here and there, then all of a sudden she pulls her pants completely off!!! Of course I start touching her below the equator and she asks if she can suck her juices off of my fingers after I'm done!!! This girl is out of fucking control!!!! Well nothing else happened that night. I just walked her to her door and we kissed goodnight and that was that.

The next date, as I anticipated, was porno-style sex. It was probably the best head I have ever had in my life. This chick was deepthroating, tongue slapping, ball licking/sucking.....EVEN TAINT LICKING!!!! Jackpot with this one. The sex was good too for our first time, not awkward at all. The next date was pretty similar, except this time we tried more positions and she finished me off orally. She even swallowed without batting an eye. BRAVO! As a side note, it doesn't matter to me if the girl spits or swallows, but it IS a drag when they pull you out right before you come. But that's just me.

There is a problem though. As expected, this chick is NUTS!!! I would never have a serious relationship with her, just some fun. So, I probably will stop seeing her. The sex is great, but after a while, sex is just sex. Bet you'd never hear a guy say that, huh girls? There seems to be a hell of a lot of chaos in her life and as my friends know, I am a pretty relaxed individual with hardly any drama.

And if you're wondering, I ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS WEAR A CONDOM!!!! Not just because of disease, but I don't need to worry about impregnating any body either. (What?! A responsible guy too?!)

Thus ends the tale of The Thumb-Sucking Nympho.

Tap ya later!

Cougar Attack!

I was out one night with a buddy of mine and a group of 3 cougars come into the bar. They sit at a booth and are sort of loud, like "look at us! Look at us!" They were cute for 40-somethings and in good shape too. Eventually they sat at the bar and I noticed that a guy was talking to one of them. The cougar was leaning away big time and the idiot didn't even notice. So, she got up to go to the bathroom and when she came out, she was looking all stealthy. She was right by our table, so I asked who she was hiding from and we told her that she could hang with us. Her friends came over and we were all talking and all of a sudden the stealthy cougar grabbed my face and we start making out right there!! I wasn't even buzzed yet either.

After a while, my buddy asked if we could go back to his place and chill. By this point, the third cougar had left. So the four of us go to his place and I start kissing the girl in his bedroom while my buddy and the other one were in the living room. My cougar strips ALL of her clothes off, but before I can get any of mine off, SHE PASSES OUT!!!! WTF???!!! I go out to tell my buddy, who was making out with the other one now, and we decided to let her sleep a bit. After two hours, she finally gets up and changes. We drive them home and that was that. I look back now and laugh, but I was PISSED!!!!

Oh!! This is the best part. Guess what time we dropped them off? 2am? 4am?

11pm AT NIGHT!!!! She passed out at 8:45p!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thus ends the tale of the Cougar.

Tap ya later!

The Fall-offs

Unfortunately, getting the number really isn't a big deal. Yeah, we think "Great! I got her number! Let's see where this goes." In reality, many of these turn into "fall-offs". Since beginning this journey, a lot of girls have given me their numbers. And yes, at first I was thinking that it was pretty awesome. However, I soon discovered that some of them didn't even turn into a first date! We would have a couple conversations on the phone and we'd set up a date, only to have them cancel the day of.

Now this doesn't always happen. We may have a date or two, with some heavy making out thrown in, and then it just evaporates. Usually with them not returning a call or text. The funny thing is that when one falls off, another one pops in. Kind of an "Even Steven" kind of thing. I can't explain it, but I have seemed to remain pretty consistent with having four women to date each week. This is just one of those strange occurrences. AND I'M NOT COMPLAINING!!!

Why is it that these girls just stop calling back?! At least "the Mad Scientist" was cool enough to be honest and tell me over the phone that she doesn't want to hang out anymore. Not calling back is fine and I get the message, but it is immature at the same time. And no, I don't keep calling and leaving messages. If they don't respond to a message, I move on. Simple and clean-cut.

Tap ya later!
(Not sure I'm digging this sign off. I liked some of the suggestions, but a three-word phrase would be best)

Be a man!

In an earlier post, I alluded to how men should act. Well, here is my rant on this:

Men and women, as we all know, are completely different from each other. Men are the hunters and women are the hunted (or prey). Now, as lame and obnoxious as that may sound, it actually is the way these two groups want to behave! Women RARELY seek out a guy they are interested in because they fear rejection more than taking a baseball bat up the ass! Guys on the other hand, are the ones left to seek out the girls. This is the way of life. As a girl I know once said: "You guys have it rough, always having to put yourself on the line for possible rejection."

Now here is the deal. In today's age of PUSSIFIED MEN, we find women wondering "where the hell are all of the REAL men out there?" There are plenty of real men out there, but I have found that most of them are scared to just TRY to talk to a female stranger. I was that pussified guy once upon a time. So guys, listen up! When you are out, just start talking. Fear is normal, fast heart rate is normal, shitting your pants is....well, get help if that happens. In time, you won't even think about it. You'll just do it. The fear will dissappear and all will be well. At this point, I don't even care if my buddies are around me when I ask a girl for her number. My point is: Women want to be sought after. They want a MAN to come in and be nice, gentlemanly and to BE IN CHARGE!!

This is a great example of what I am saying in this post. I am 4 for 4 with what I call "the first kiss move". This move always happens when we are cuddled up on the couch. My arm is around her, she's close, then I turn my head, bring up my other hand, turn her head and WHAMMO!! It ALWAYS works! Take charge of the situation. DON'T BE A CHICKEN SHIT!!!!!

Tap ya later!

The Mad Scientist

I met "Mad Scientist"(she really is a scientist) at a social function while playing a drinking game. Which, by the way, is a good way of meeting girls. Just play one of the games in a bar and ask a girl if she wants to play.

Back to the story. We start hitting it off and I get her number. The first date was a simple night in at her place. Nothing happened except for a nice goodnight kiss. Date #2 was a small night out, having drinks at a local place and ending with another nice make-out session. Then Date #3.....you know what they say guys (and girls) if the deal isn't sealed by date 3, she probably isn't into it, or she may want something more serious first. (Side note here: A girl knows if she wants to fuck you within the first 5 minutes of meeting you) The third date did indeed end with a home run, and it was very nice, not awkward or anything. We set up a fourth date, but she canceled just a few of hours before the date. That is never a good sign! So I call her a couple of days later and she says "you're a great guy, but it isn't gonna go anywhere for me". In my "previous life", this would have bothered me, but it didn't even phase me. I just told her that it's fine and I'm not offended and to take care. It actually made my job easier. I knew it was only for fun too, so it saved me the grief of telling her the "it's not you, it's me" bullshit. I do wish we had another go in the sack though. She was very "talented"....and a cool chick to have drinks with too.

Thus ends the tale of The Mad Scientist.

This is where I have just been saying "Stay tuned!", but a friend gave me shit for being so original. I'm open to suggestions. Maybe something like "Tap ya later!"?

Handjob Girl

One of the first girls that I "hung out" with, while using this new "method" of dating, was someone I lovingly will call "Handjob Girl". I asked her over for a nice home-cooked meal and movie on the couch for our first date. Simple enough....AND she's at my place. No need for the awkward "uh...wanna come in" crap. So anyway, we have dinner and watch a movie. Guys, listen up! When she's over to watch a movie, there is an unspoken green light that has occurred. She is probably really comfortable with you to be in your place, sitting right next to you in the late hours of the evening. This scenario will be touched on in a future post about men being men.

We're sitting there and I put my arm around her...without the pussy "I'll pretend to yawn" shit that losers do!!! We cuddle for about 10 minutes and then I move her head towards mine and plant one right on her. Now here is where she gets that wonderful nickname. After making out for a while, we head to my room and she gives me a great handjob. ON THE FIRST DATE! Not too bad. So, date number 2 seems promising, but guess what....another handjob. Date 3? Another handjob. Now don't get me wrong, handjobs are a beautiful thing and I love them, but when you get a handjob on the first date, that gives the impression that you'll be getting at least a blowjob on date 2. But hey, I'll be happy with the handjobs.

Now here is the weird part, when we both decided that it was fun, but not going anywhere (which I told her ON THE FIRST DATE that I am dating with no serious plans for a girlfriend), we got together one last time. Guess what happened. EVERYTHING EXCEPT A HANDJOB!!! WTF?! It was awesome, but why wait until I will never see you again to do it? Was it a last ditch effort to keep me around? Was it a parting gift? Well, it doesn't matter now.

Thus ends the tale of Handjob Girl.

Stay tuned!

Ex's

As many readers have probably experienced, ex-girlfriends seem to find their way back into your life...one way or another. I am of the belief that if you try to remain friends with an ex, it serves only one of two options:

1) They want you back.

2) You want them back.

And it rarely ends well.

So, why am I writing about this? Because two of my ex's came back into my life at the exact same time! And yes, I had sex with both of them, not at the same time, but within the same week....for about a month and a half!

In hindsight, I somewhat regret the situation because both option 1 and 2 were occurring. I wanted to just hang out with one of them, but she wanted to get back together. I still had strong feelings with the other one, but she wouldn't have it. By the way, there was no dating going on here. It was simply "want to see a movie?", "sure"...then 2 hours later, I'm doing her doggie-style. Don't get me wrong, I did enjoy the amount of sex I was getting, but at what cost? I was hurting one girl on one hand and hurting myself with the other girl on the other.

How did I deal with it, you ask? Well, I came to the conclusion that it won't work out and I didn't want this drama in my life. So, I stopped all contact with the one that was causing me pain and I cooled things off with the other one. It was a tough choice. I loved hanging out with both of them, but I knew my overall attitude and "game" would suffer from this distraction. Remember, if you look back, you'll trip over what's ahead of you.

Well, I apologize if this post is all mushy and shit, but it is an important point to hit on in bachelorhood. We all have these types of scenarios pop up here and there and my only advice comes from learning the hard way.

CUT OFF ALL TIES TO EX'S AFTER THE RELATIONSHIP IS OVER!!!! None of this "can we stay friends" horse shit!!

Stay tuned!

A chance occurrence 1

There are a few incidents that have happened simply by chance with no game involved at all. This is the first of a few of these "chance occurrences". I am trying to go as chronologically as possible with my experiences, so "A chance occurrence 2" will not be the next post.

This experience began as innocent as it can get. A group of my friends, guys and girls, were meeting up for some drinks around dinner time at a local restaurant. As things were winding down, I invited everyone over to my place to have more drinks since it was still pretty early. Well, everyone came over and I was talking to a couple of the girls that were hanging out. Eventually, people started to leave my place after a while, but one girl was not even attempting to get ready to go. She said she was in no state to drive, so being the gentleman that I am, I told her she could stay over on the couch. She retorted with "don't you want a warm body next to you in bed?" I DIDN'T EVEN TRY WITH THIS GIRL AND SHE IS READY TO GET DOWN!! So we end up in my bed and one thing leads to another and we finally get to sleep around 4am. HOME RUN!

These occurrences are few and far between, but it is always nice when they spring up. The trick seems to be recognizing when opportunity knocks.

Stay tuned!

A decent start

I have thought about how often I should add posts to this blog. Initially, I figured one post a day should be good, but I have a lot of stories to catch up on and I'd like to have it so the stories are posted immediately after happening. So I'll be adding posts whenever I feel like it. Deal with it!

When I first decided to try this new "method", I was very shocked at the outcome. I was working on a job that had some new faces and of course I gravitated towards the girl I was most attracted to. I started with something simple, like "have you lived in the area long" or something like that. Well, that turned into a nice lengthy conversation. Let me stop right here for a second to explain something. I used to ask out girls that I either went to school with or worked with, but now I have stopped doing the co-worker thing because, let's face it, DON'T SHIT WHERE YOU EAT!!! So this was the last co-worker I ever asked out.

Back to the story. So, I get her number and after some playful texts, we decide to go out. Now because I was back in the dating scene after a 2 year relationship, I figure "I know, dinner would be good!" WRONG!!!!! Guys, stop with the dinner dates. THEY ARE BULLSHIT! Why waste money on a girl who probably will be done with you after the first date? I'll talk about my "new routine" for first dates in a later post. But I digress. We go out to dinner, nothing too fancy. Had some wine, walked around the little downtown area for a while, and that was it. No hug, no kiss, nothing. Nothing to really tell on this one.

I do have to admit, I was pretty nervous. My first real date in a long time and I really had no idea what I was doing. Well, I knew what I was doing, but I kinda didn't. Needless to say, it was a bust, but every cloud has a silver lining. It was the first time I met a girl, got her number and asked her out in a 24 hour period. This was just the tip of the iceberg, as you will find out.

Stay tuned!

Epiphany

So I ended my last relationship, which lasted 2 years, at the end of 2008 and I was ready to start playing the field at the beginning of 2009. However, it wasn't until I met a friend who opened my eyes with something so simple about dating it would completely turn my life around. Of course I was skeptical.

Basically, it is this:

1) If the girl is into you, you can't say anything wrong. (within common sense)
2) If the girl is not into you, you can't say anything right.

THE END

So, what does that mean? Simple. When I talk to a girl, I have to be extremely attentive to her body language, tone of voice, eye-contact and willingness to continue the conversation. This all has to click within the first 30-60 seconds for it to be 100% successful, but there are exceptions. So many times do I see guys in bars talking to girls that are almost falling over from leaning AWAY from the dude. That, my friends, is a huge sign that she isn't interested. Also, if you are talking to her and she looks away from you any chance she gets, guess what....she's done.

So how do I go about this "method"? I always start by noticing something about them: piercings, accessories, hairstyle...whatever. Anything to get them talking. Then I follow with a question about it, then another, and so on. By the way, short answers are bad because she is not engaging you.

So when does it seem suitable to go for the dreaded "can I have your number" line? Well, if she's been talking with you for OVER 5 minutes and none of the problems listed above have occurred, then you are made in the shade.

All of the above is exactly what my friend told me in the beginning of the year and now I am saying it here because I have lived it. AND IT ABSOLUTELY WORKS. In fact, my friend is now saying that he has "created a monster" and that he can't believe I had trouble in this area before. I take that as a compliment.

It's funny when I step back and assess the change in me. If someone were to come up to me a year ago and say, "Hey! In one year you will be going out with 4 different girls in one week", I would have laughed so hard I'd die. Well, that is EXACTLY what is happening!! In fact, it was at the suggestion of that friend that I started this blog because I have a new story to tell every time we talk.

Now that all of the "prologue" stuff is on the table, I will start with my exploits in the next post. Stay tuned!!

In the beginning...

The best place to start would be the beginning.

Here is a brief history of my previous dating experience, which I am sure will be similar to most guys out there. I used to only date girls I knew. For example, classmates were usually the girls that I would ask out, but only if I felt VERY comfortable that I wouldn't get rejected. Once I was dating these girls, it would be long-term relationship after long-term relationship. This was mostly due to the fact that I had very little self-esteem growing up. Because of this, I would feel lucky to have ANY girl interested in me. So this first post gives you an idea of how I used to go about dating in my "previous life". This all changed about six months ago. That will be detailed in the next post.

Now I would like to take a moment to lay some things out about this blog. I am sure you have looked at my profile and read who I am and all of that, but I will say that EVERY incident that will be chronicled here is 100% true. There will be NO EMBELLISHING at all. I am a straight-shooter in all aspects of my life and this blog will be no different.

It may offend some people. It may scratch a certain itch for others. All I am doing is blogging my experiences in dating. I am sure that the comments will be quite colorful and I wholeheartedly invite all of you to comment with any questions or "bitching" that you may throw my way.

And finally, the title of this blog was quite difficult to decide on, but I went with a title that is funny and intentionally offensive. This will let people know immediately what they are in for.

I hope this blog will enlighten those lost souls (as I once was) that are out there and also give a laugh or two to some of you as well. I will admit that there is a small part of me that hopes this blog WILL offend some of you too!!

So enjoy and stay tuned because I will have plenty of stories to tell...and most of them haven't even happened yet!!

Oh!! One last thing. This is NOT a "YOU TOO CAN ACHIEVE THIS" type of gimmicky blog. It is simply an anecdotal outlet of my dating exploits.